January 30, 2013 by Rex
Remember, when I said last time about not wanting alcohol?? Yeah, we’ll tonight I WANTED ALCOHOL!!!
It wasn’t anyone thing. It was a culmination of wound up anxiety, a crying baby, a third child who is trying to calm the baby down by yelling at him and the fact that I don’t have a perfect body.
So three glasses of wine later, I feel MUCH better!!! I have mellowed out. I still feel the depression I had earlier from the lack of Deb, or I having a perfect body, but the anxiety has lost it’s bite and things have calmed down some. The wine did what I wanted it to do. Took the edge off. I don’t feel guilty about drinking the three glasses. I just think it’s funny that I JUST got done writing about not wanting it.
I had a GREAT workout today. I had fond an old picture of me from early 2007. I had just lost like 20-30 lbs (at least in my mind) and had to go looking for 32×34 pants. Apparently the rest of the world doesn’t do that. We ended up at The Buckle to find the pants. Any of you that knows about Buckle, knows they don’t come cheap. But this was a time in our life that we were still making some good money and had PLENTY of credit card money available. So not only did I get new jeans, but I got new shirts and shoes too.
I’ll get to all that at another time. The point is in the here and now of finding that picture that I knew I had taken of myself. Not only had I lost at least 20 lbs. but I did drop the 2” at the waist and I had started this silly workout routine. Mainly, to just get me downstairs into our gym and actually lift some weights. I’ve never been one who enjoyed workouts. They were just freaking boring to me and I always was just too busy to do them. I would do them, but not consistently and never worked on my diet with it so I never had the true beneficial results I wanted. But this time it was, just go down to the gym and do some bench presses with small weights and then do arm curls. I was down there for maybe 5-10 minutes each night. But that was my deal. You don’t have to spend much time. But you’ve gotta go do it each night and then just see if it even does anything.
Well, it did.
And so that is a photo I have on my iPad and one I looked at while doing my crunches this afternoon. And it helped big time! I was able to do 350 crunches today!
I also had a BIG TIME workout and I felt GREAT afterward. It wasn’t until later that I looked at myself in the mirror and also looked at those photos I had posted earlier in this blog that got me REALLY depressed!!! I know that it takes time. I’ve done nothing but look at “before and after” photos on Pinterest the last two days. But DAMN IT I want results!!! I feel terrible about myself. I don’t want to give up working out. That’s not it at all! I want to be freaking unresistably hot!!
Why? I don’t know. I’m not that type of person that needs the right named clothes. I can’t even NAME the right name clothes. I’m not smooth and I’ve felt myself attractive. I’ve always thought of myself as a dork. Yet something has always pulled at me to be just… well… HOT!
I can’t explain it and if you ever meet me you wouldn’t think of me that way in the least bit. Just the opposite. I really no longer care what the neighbors have or do. I don’t envy people any longer. I LOVE what we have, and are, creating here.
But I let this, as I let many other things, get to me for no real reason.